“If the only thing that we leave on the air are the things that have high ratings, we’re all going to die. We have to stop measuring these things as if they’re competing with each other. There are 8,000 of them. There are 8,000 ways to watch them. There are 250 million people watching them any way they want to – on their wristwatches, on their shoelaces, on their laptops. They binge watch seasons. They subscribe to Netflix. They get together for parties and watch two shows at the same time on a split screen while they play their Xbox. And then with the other hand they get on Twitter and ask the show runner why he hasn’t done an episode with a yellow hat in it. And three episodes later, the show’s got a fucking yellow hat in it because everything has changed since “I Love” fucking “Lucy” except the goddamn Nielsen boxes. It is insane.”—Dan Harmon on the Nielsen rating system in the digital age
I can’t sleep, can you? Insomnia isn’t as fun as they make it sound in movies, it’s not like you get housework done. Wait, housework, what the fuck am I talking about, like I do housework. I don’t even know if there’s a difference between “can’t sleep” and “insomnia,” but whatever it is, it’s not like I’m not tired, it’s not like my eyes aren’t burning and my head doesn’t hurt. I feel the way I feel for those delightfully itchy ten seconds we usually don’t remember because they usually turn into sleep. Only this ten seconds lasting hours. Hours of listening to mental wind punctuated by scary sounds from various parts of the house. Just as I thumbed that, there was another one. I think the small fridge in the other room has periodic jolts but it also sounds exactly like a huge man in dirty coveralls holding a butcher knife that squeezed in through the doggy door is now just bumping into stuff while waiting for the right time to stab me.
Oh, god, there it is again. Is it the water heater? I have a tankless heater. And the air isn’t on. I think it’s something like that, though. Every eight minutes or so there’s this deep, short metallic rumble, but between rumbles, if I listen closely, I can hear what sounds like water flowing through pipes. Very faintly. The scary part is the second of the two rumbles because that one is louder and it’s whatever this thing is finishing, so it’s followed by silence. I’m only not deathly afraid of it anymore because it’s happening in a pattern. Weirdest butcher knife murderer in the world if he’s going to just keep doing this for hours. Almost an honor to be stab murdered by such a meticulous artist.
I was asleep earlier, deeply asleep, and Erin woke me up. I’ve learned and demonstrated the hard way that people should limit their internet transparency to the boundaries of their own lives so you’ll just have to trust me when I say I am marrying the asshole I deserve, who is now fast asleep while I count phantom stabby man rumbles and the uneasy seconds between them.
My worst nightmare is home invasion. it combines every fear I have except spiders. Loss of control, especially to someone dumber than me -
Holy shit I finally made myself tired have to go bye!
The creator of Community, Dan Harmon, has been hosting a mashup podcast meets role-playing game with a collection of his friends. And now these hilarious podcasts have been animated, thanks to the series Harmonquest. And we have an exclusive look inside the fantasy world Harmon created.
I Transcribed This Thing From Harmontown That Made Me Laugh A Lot
Dan:I read Forrest Gump. He goes to space in the book!
Dan:I don't wanna spend the whole podcast-- I swear to god-- Google it! He goes to space! Here's my point: the baby boomers, who took over this planet, and who are bulging it with garbage and corn syrup and fuckin, these, these narcissistic maniacs, these people who have destroyed everything and who are telling us that we should be honored to follow in their footsteps, they landed on the moon, they always tell us that, but what they're REALLY really proud of is that FUCKIN Ed Sullivan Show! Garbage! Garbage garbage garbage garbage! I can't remember why we were on this topic.
Jeff:You hate teenagers.
Dan:Teenagers! Okay. The idea that teenagers are an entity, the idea that teenagers, in spite of not being old enough to go to war, not being old enough to drink, not being old enough to drive a car, are somehow this center of capitalism, THAT is a baby boomer invention because THEY were that age when they became sentient. And we are living in the shadow of that fucking gross willow tree. That results in all of us going on YouTube, 48-year-old people telling Miley Cyrus she's a slut in the comment section, like, what, let her be a slut! What the fuck did she do wrong? She's a fucking teenager! Let her be a teenager. And, fuckin Justin Bieber! I'm on his side I'm still on his side! I'm STILL pro-Bieber! I'm a BELIEBER!
Jeff:Why are you pro-Bieber, he's a little douchebag!
Dan:NO! He doesn't, he doesn't have a RIGHT to be a douchebag or not, he's a fucking CHILD! And it's capitalism, CAPITALISM, that you hate! It's not Justin Bieber it's capitalism!
Jeff:I've seen him on camera, he's a fuckin little asshole!
Dan:CAPITALISM! He would just be some kid at your fucking Thanksgiving if it weren't for capitalism! It's not-- YOU SHOULDN'T GIVE PEOPLE THAT MUCH MONEY! THEY DIDN'T EARN IT! He's a Mouseketeer! Just, just cut him OFF! Just tell him "you danced enough, you did it, you're great!" Give him a go-kart! Cap it, put a fuckin cap on it! He gets his go-kart, he wouldn't have known! Everything you see him doing he's saying to America: "Why, why did I get MORE than a go-kart? Why? Why is my go-kart eight hundred thousand dollars? Why does it go so fast? Why can it kill people? Why is-- Why are my pop-rocks cocaine?" IT'S YOUR FAULT. You don't have a culture, you don't have a fucking religion, you are garbage, you are capitalism. You have a fucking bedrock of money, and it says "In God We Trust" and the "God" is spelled with dollar signs even though there's no S in it! You don't-- NONE OF YOU get to blame him, for anything! Sitting on the fuckin internet jerking off with one hand and making fun of Justin Bieber with the other, you're not doing anything! He's a CHILD! What would YOU do with a BILLION dollars? What would you DO?
Jeff:He's nineteen though.
Dan:He is GORGEOUS. And he's a GENIUS.
Jeff:I think you-- I think you buried the lead on that one.
Dan:Give a billion dollars to anyone in this room including me, see how we handle it. This fuckin poor canadian schmuck. I just-- This egregious, weird behavior we engage in. 48-year-old housewives with eight cats on their shoulders sitting on their laptop, with fuckin stains on their sofa: "Bluh I need Justin Bieber's bluh need to understand his value system." The FUCK are you talkin about? YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOUR TAXES GO TO? FUCKIN FOCUS YOUR RAGE ON SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE! FOLLOW THE MONEY YOU RETARD-- Shit, sorry. Edit it out, edit it out!
Jeff:Nope, leave it. It stays. It's interesting that, Justin Bieber is the tipping point for your rage.
Dan:It IS! Because I see him, they put him on TMZ and he's like "uh I don't know what I'm doin uh I don't know what I'm doin." And they're like editing around him. There's a dude that's like 53 years old sitting in an avid deck, setting in points and out points, on a fucking canadian teenager's deposition, so that he can make eighty dollars from TMZ giving them clips of this kid. Are we fucking out of our mind? If you were a caveman, how would you react to that? How would you react to a tribe, if you came over the hill and found them engaged in that behavior? You would EAT them. You would take their water, you would take everything they had, and you would never look back! You'd take their cave, you'd take their animals, you'd take EVERYTHING, and you would NEVER look back! Ever! You would erase their cave art, and you wouldn't feel bad! You'd be like "they didn't mean it. They did it wrong! They fucked up! They're idiots! They're a strain of our DNA that fucked up! They care too much about this kid!" You gotta fucking respect your elders, and love your children, and, and further the species. We fucked up! We're dead!
re: citizen kane---- when abed is making his movie about his parents in the 3rd or so ??? episode they watch it and jeff says its no citizen kane. i think it gets mentioned again, probably something more specific to rosebud but thats the first one i could think of
Thanks! I hope this was what you were thinking of anon!